I have to admit, yesterday on the way home from work, after a successful weigh-in with a measurable loss, I started fantasizing about food.  What was coming to my mind was a great big hamburger swimming in its own juices, with melted American cheese on top, and mustard and mayonnaise with pickles and a sesame seed bun.  Beside it were steaming hot steak fries with plenty of ketchup and maybe even gravy to dip.  It did not go that far, but I am sure an ice-cold banana milkshake would have washed it all down just right!  I have not eaten at a Shoney’s in years, but I think this was some sort of Big Boy fantasy.

I am sure if I plugged  that fantasy into My Fitness Pal, it would have represented a whole day’s worth of calories right there.  The fantasy reminds me that there is a powerful connection in my mind between celebration and unadulterated eating.  After all, don’t I deserve a reward? 

Logically, I know that answer is no, at least not food.  Logically, I understand that that type of eating could easily undo the tenuous progress I have started.  In some ways it is surprising I have not fantasized more.  I have been busy getting this program off the ground and the way I have been eating (for a week) has not felt like a great deprivation.  Still, maybe I better give further thought to other types of rewards to substitute instead. 

I have been drinking more green tea these days.  I find it soothing and a comfort against the winter cold.  But green tea may not be enough against a Shoney’s Big Boy fantasy.  I better think some more ways to balance that scale.

Consumption:

Honey Nut Cheerios and milk
Carrot
5 black olives
mozzarella string cheese
4 Stonewheat Crackers
Large Apple
20 almonds
6 oz. Salmon
Brown Rice
Broccoli
8 oz glass of milk

Exercise:

None

It is true I am up against a hard challenge to lose this weight.  That said, in the spirit of balance, I feel a need to acknowledge the many advantages I bring to this fight.  First and foremost, besides being overweight, I am a relatively healthy person.  That means I can move around and exercise as much as I choose to.  I have always been athletic and enjoyed various sports, especially tennis.  I know that it is possible to have too much weight and still be cardio-vascularly fit – at least for a while.  I regularly work-out for at least 30 minutes at a time. I am fortunate to have health insurance and so I can see a doctor any time I need one.  I have enough money to buy healthy food and belong to gym if I choose.  I take a weekly yoga class. Last but not least, I have the support of a loving family and friends.  It is a fair question to ask with all those advantages, how did I get to this point to begin with?  This is a question I am asking myself.

Now that I built up the suspense, I am very happy to report that at my weigh in today, I weighed 219 lbs – indicating a 5 lb loss from my weigh-in before Christmas.  That is a lot of weight to lose in that period.  I am not exactly sure how I did it, but I know in anticipation of this project I have stepped up the amount and have been more consistent with my exercise and been more careful about my food portions.

I also realize that it is much easier to lose weight at first, when I was at my heaviest than it will be after I have been at it for a while – my long term goal is to lose 1 lb per week.  But since it had to go one way or the other, I am very happy and relieved, I will even say encouraged by my progress in this initial skirmish.

Consumption:
Piece of whole wheat bread with peanut butter
Bowl of potato soup
Piece of cheese bread
10 almonds
4 Stonewheat Crackers with 2 tablespoons of Hummus
2 scrambled eggs
2 piece of bacon
¼ bagel with butter
4 oz of chedder cheese

Exercise:

None

Tomorrow is a day of reckoning and I feel afraid.  I set a goal, made a public declaration and tomorrow I plan to step on the scales and see what impact, if any, I have made.  Its not an absolute true test because the last time I weighed (224 lbs) was before Christmas.  Its possible that I gained weight over the holidays and my more moderate eating this week has just countered it.  Tomorrow, I will find out, and I know I will feel disappointed if I have not lost weight.  On a more positive note, I do feel proud of eating more moderately this week (starting on Monday).  Again, I do not have a direct comparison, because I was not recording what I was eating before I started this program, but my sense was it was up to a third more.  I am sure I did a lot more mindless eating before this week.

At the suggestion of my sister, I am trying an on-line program called My Fitness Pal.  It is free.  You put in your height, weight and lifestyle and it calculates an estimated daily caloric intake to let you reach your weight goal.  Based the information I put in, it estimated I should eat 1,900 calories a day to reach my weight goal losing one pound a week.  It takes into account the exercise you do and allows more calories for those days.  Going forward, to my consumption and exercise record I will add what the site calculated.  Wish me luck for tomorrow.

Consumption:

Thick slice of whole wheat bread
2 tablespoons of peanut butter
Half a very large apple
10 almonds
3 pieces of chicken from a kabob
Salad with olive oil, salt and lemon dressing
two tablespoons of hummus
half cup of yogurt sauce
1 cup of 2% milk
Cup and half of lamb stew
Cup and half of greens
small amount of bread
1 beer

Exercise:

According to My Fitness Pal, that was 2,180 calories.  The exercise burned 254 calories.  Therefore, I was 26 calories over goal - on pace to lose 1 lb per week!

We like to watch the HBO show In Treatment.  In an episode we watched recently, Gabriel Byrne talks with an older patient about the boy that got split off in childhood, who was never properly attended to and therefore, never got a chance to grow up.  My situation is slightly different.  I think I have been carrying my child around.

As I stated, my goal is to lose 46 lbs.  Tonight my nephews came over to visit.  I asked Alex, who is three, if I could pick him up.  I was sitting down so he was dead weight with my arms and it was a little difficult.  His parents told me he weighs 37 lbs, so probably 40 total including clothes and shoes.  I remember when my own kids were that age, sometimes I would carry them the three blocks to the park on my shoulders.  What a relief it was to set them down. 

I realize my weight is distributed more efficiently.  Still, it is daunting to think I carry  around that much extra all the time in everything I do: when I run, when I play tennis, when I am just walking around.  It is easy to imagine how as the body gets older, joints could become damaged or break down from carrying that extra load.  It is also nice to imagine how those same activities might feel if I set that weight down. 

A more graphic image is, for a New Year’s promotion, a local work-out place hung a 5 lb bag of fat in the window.  The caption under said:  come workout 3 days a week for a month with us and get rid of that.  When I heard about it, I could not help but think how would a 46 lb bag of fat would look hanging in that window.  What would that much extra do to a person’s system, to my system?  Now I am picturing how much more efficiently it could operate without it.

Consumption:

Blueberry muffin (made from a box with claims of fiber)
Bowl of raisin bran with skim milk
Grilled chicken breast over salad with olive oil and lemon dressing
Three hunks of chicken kabob
Cup of white rice
half cup of Yogurt sauce
1 piece of Pita bread with three tablespoons of hummus
1Glass of milk
Shot of bourbon

Exercise:

Elliptical machine for 25 minutes
Rowing for 5 minutes

At the start of this project, I locked the door, took off all my clothes and asked my wife to measure me.  After 22 years of marriage, there is not much left to hide when it comes to my body.  Still, this was strange, her measuring me like a tailor.  Neck 16.5”; chest 44.5”, biceps 13.5”; waist 40.5”, butt 43”, thigh 24.5”.  Keep in mind, when she met me 27 years ago, those measurements were a lot more flattering.

When I was growing up, a couple we knew got a divorce after many years of marriage.  They both proceeded to lose a significant amount of weight as newly single people.  I recall my father commenting that maybe they would have never gotten a divorce if they had lost the weight while they were still married.  His point was that maybe they had been taking each other for granted and should have worked harder to remain attractive.

I realize it is simplistic to suggest that a marriage could be held together by physical attraction alone.  On the other hand, trying to remain attractive in ways that you can, shows your spouse that you respect them and that you respect your self.  

I suppose it is time to reveal  some of the depths of my depravity.  For a very long time, I have been a secret eater, or at least, I make an attempt at covertness.  Kids see through you though, and at times my son has laughed at me and acted out what he sees me do.  Say there is one more cracker and piece of cheese left on a plate of appetizers,  I will take them both quickly and stuff them in my mouth as I turn my head and start to walk away, so no one “sees” me eat it.  I guess they have seen plenty.  Its interesting to see it from another's perspective.  I realize, in this way I am not unlike my dog.  He is a big guy, and he knows he is not supposed to eat food from the table.  But leave part of a bagel alone and start to leave or even turn your head, and he will snatch, grab and go.  Sound familiar? 

I like to cook and I do not mind cleaning up.  While not all my motivations are nefarious, both activities give me uninhibited access to food – the ingredients during the making and the leftovers during clean-up.  In all honesty, the leftovers may include bits of food left on someone else’s plate.  That way, in addition to my own meal, I might end up eating twice as much food as I put on my plate, while I am being "seen".

The other day, as I was starting my present initiative, I asked my wife and son to please clean and put away their plates before they leaving the table.  I said that while I will still clean the kitchen, I would like my wife to put the food away in the refrigerator after the meal, so that I could avoid a trigger that has historically allowed me to overeat.  While there was general agreement to humor me, I was summarily reminded that it is ultimately my responsibility to control what and the amount that I eat. 

I accept that as true, but I am still asking for help as I work to break an unhealthy pattern.  My son, who is also being supportive, laughed and laughed that an “adult” could have this weakness and not be able to just stop eating.  The horror.

Consumption:

1 piece of wheat toast with peanut butter
Half of a very large apple
10 almonds for a snack
Half a chicken pesto sandwich - from a restaurant  
10 almonds for a snack
1 and a half crab cakes
piece of bread
applesauce

Exercise:

Ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill - 2.5 miles

I was in a place last night that had a television on in the background.  The volume was turned down, but the images were of very overweight people.  It showed them cheering and clapping, especially, every now and then, when a more normal sized person came in who, presumably, had once also been very overweight.  I have never seen it, but from what I have heard, I am guessing the show was America’s Biggest Losers. 

Besides the unfortunate title, it reminded me of something I want to acknowledge here.  I realize that if you are severely obese, you could read my story and see my picture and think, what is that guy whining about?  

I can respect that point of view, but assert that for me, my present weight is unhealthy and not what I want it to be.  I hope that we can all on our individual journey  to be healthy and therefore, must find our own way and definition of that.  In my show, at the end of this year, I plan to walk in “healthy” sized for me, and yes, I want to hear some cheering and clapping.

Consumption:

Bowl of oatmeal in milk
Tablespoon of walnuts
Glass of cranberry juice
10 walnuts for snack
Half a chicken pesto sandwich
10 walnuts for second snack
An orange
Salmon steak with spinach and feta filling
Brown rice
Shot of bourbon

Exercise

None (I have a cold)

I was driving my son to school this morning, sanctimoniously thinking how by losing weight and being more healthy, I will be a positive role model for both my children.  That is important to me.

But more than a role model, my kids want me to be healthy, because they need me to be around, they are literally counting on me.  I realize there are no guarantees on that front, but it seems I should do whatever I can, what I can control to make sure that happens.

That fundamental relationship is most important while they are still living at home with me, but I know it continues.  There are things that I still want and need from my own parents, who are in their early 70s, and I want them to be as healthy as they can be. 

My son and I were talking tonight and he told me he was glad I am trying to be more healthy.  I am too.

Consumption

1 piece of wheat toast with peanut butter
1 banana
10 almonds for a snack
Salad with a cup of lentils with feta cheese
oil and lemon dressing
10 almonds for a second snack
A cup of white beans and parmesan cheese
A cup of Tom Gloung Thai soup
1 shot of Southern Comfort bourbon

Exercise

7 minutes of rowing machine
25 minutes of elliptical machine - cardio
10 minutes of weight lifting
2 minutes of crunches 



Consumption

I have been thinking about last night’s party.  In terms of my consumption, if I was a wrestler, I just got flipped onto my back.  My eating then was the opposite of mindful  - it was mindless.  I have been warned about pitfalls and relapses, and so I will just have to write it off as that.  But IF I could do it over, or better, using it as an experience to plan for the future when confronted with a similar situation I would:

1)   Have eaten a snack ahead of time to I did not go into the situation hungry.
2)   Standing around snacking (at a party) is dangerous because it is very difficult to monitor what I have eaten – it would have been better if I had fixed a small plate and used that as my limit.
3)   The carrots were a good idea, I should have eaten more of them instead of some of the other things.
4)   I should have limited myself to three pieces of cheese toast (they were small)
5)   I should have passed completely on dessert with a no thank you.  For the next while that type of food needs to be avoided completely.
6)   I should have set a firm drink limit before the party  - say two drinks and then stuck to it.

Live and learn or don’t and die.

I felt much better about my eating today.  Today I returned to work and was back in more of a routine.  Today my portions felt more “correct” and my food choices were more thoughtful.  If I could eat like today everyday – be consistent, I feel certain I would lose weight.

I did not overeat at dinner.  The  difference of feeling satisfied versus “stuffed full”  is different, not as immediately soothing and frankly a little unsettling.  I suppose I will have to get used to it.

Consumption:

1 piece of wheat bread with peanut butter
Half a grapefruit
10 almonds  for a snack
Salad with lentils and feta cheese – I ate half the serving from a restaurant and will eat the rest tomorrow.
10 more almonds for a snack
Taco salad with 4 oz of cooked ground beef, two taco shells crushed up and two tablespoons of grated cheddar cheese
8 oz skim milk

Exercise

Cardio for 30 minutes and 10 minutes of weight lifting and crunches

Keeping up with what I eat is going to be hard to do.  We had a party this afternoon with our neighbors and everyone brought appetizers.  I had some of many delicious kinds of foods, so my consumed amounts below are best estimates.  Probably a more noble person than me would have turned away. All I know for sure is I consumed some of all of them and it was delicious.

I notice that holidays are especially challenging in terms of moderate, healthy eating. I realize I went to the party without a specific plan for eating which was a bad idea. On a more positive note, I enjoyed visiting with my neighbors.  Happy New Year!

Consumption

Two egg omelet with vegetables cooked in olive oil
Tablespoon of feta cheese
Thai Fish vegetable dish - cup
Coconut rice - cup
Bean dip – 6 tablespoons full
6 pieces of bread
4 deviled eggs
10 olives
6 pieces of crab/cheese dip on toast
6 meatballs in mushroom sauce
2 bourbon balls
3 chocolate chip cookies
1 beer
2 glasses of wine
1 glass of champagne

Exercise
1 hour class of yoga