From Kindergarten on I used to run in packs with other boys. These were friends usually made through school, sports teams or family. I usually had a best friend and then several other close friends. With lots of heavy and sometimes cruel laughing we negotiated the complicated task of figuring out the world. This happy state of affairs lasted through college until I met my wife. As our relationship deepened, I began to focus the majority of my emotional energy there which seemed logical and natural. This focus became more pronounced as we started our family and especially when our children were young and we spent an inordinate amount of time and energy with them, again, as it should be.
Fast forward 16 more years. Thankfully, I still have male friends but in the current parlance, the status has changed. Now I have male friends from work, developed over many years and several jobs. I suppose like my boyhood friends, they are guys I enjoy spending time with as we navigate the world of work trying to understand and sometimes become The Man. But it is different as adults. These men, like me, often have their primary relationships at home and so the relationship in terms of time spent together often ends at work. Likewise, I have friends from my neighborhood and community that I enjoy spending time with, but after the primary focus of family and work the time spent on those relationships is limited. Finally, as I have mentioned before, I like to play tennis. There is a group of guys who I play regularly with. With the common bond of enjoying the same sport we have a great time when we are playing. We talk before, after and sometimes during games, but ultimately they too are limited.
I have been fortunate to maintain several of my childhood friendships, and those are often the deepest because of the important time we shared together. However, time and distance has scattered us across the country and in some cases the world, limiting our ability to get together. If you sense a complaint from me I must own my part of it. I watch my wife consistently make a more focused and consistent effort to maintain her friendships. One excuse I use is that working full time at a job that often requires travel, I feel that my free time should be devoted to my family. While that is true maybe it is also the easiest and most comfortable thing to do.
But what about now? My children are older and becoming more independent by the day. We can even begin to imagine the time when they leave home to start their adult lives. I know one of the things I would like to do with the extra time is establish and renew some important male friendships. However, after so much time and effort focused in another direction I find myself uncertain about how to begin. Like the shy boy who once stood crying at the fence that separated he and his sister, I seem to have forgotten how to turn around and say, "Hi, my name is Conspicuous, want to play together?" I realize that I am an extremely lucky man and have been truly blessed with my wonderful family. But like Oliver with his bowl, "I want more please!"
Fast forward 16 more years. Thankfully, I still have male friends but in the current parlance, the status has changed. Now I have male friends from work, developed over many years and several jobs. I suppose like my boyhood friends, they are guys I enjoy spending time with as we navigate the world of work trying to understand and sometimes become The Man. But it is different as adults. These men, like me, often have their primary relationships at home and so the relationship in terms of time spent together often ends at work. Likewise, I have friends from my neighborhood and community that I enjoy spending time with, but after the primary focus of family and work the time spent on those relationships is limited. Finally, as I have mentioned before, I like to play tennis. There is a group of guys who I play regularly with. With the common bond of enjoying the same sport we have a great time when we are playing. We talk before, after and sometimes during games, but ultimately they too are limited.
I have been fortunate to maintain several of my childhood friendships, and those are often the deepest because of the important time we shared together. However, time and distance has scattered us across the country and in some cases the world, limiting our ability to get together. If you sense a complaint from me I must own my part of it. I watch my wife consistently make a more focused and consistent effort to maintain her friendships. One excuse I use is that working full time at a job that often requires travel, I feel that my free time should be devoted to my family. While that is true maybe it is also the easiest and most comfortable thing to do.
But what about now? My children are older and becoming more independent by the day. We can even begin to imagine the time when they leave home to start their adult lives. I know one of the things I would like to do with the extra time is establish and renew some important male friendships. However, after so much time and effort focused in another direction I find myself uncertain about how to begin. Like the shy boy who once stood crying at the fence that separated he and his sister, I seem to have forgotten how to turn around and say, "Hi, my name is Conspicuous, want to play together?" I realize that I am an extremely lucky man and have been truly blessed with my wonderful family. But like Oliver with his bowl, "I want more please!"
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